Archive for April, 2010

FACT: I hate shopping

Shopping makes a hunter a gatherer. Don’t claim “hunting” for a deal is legit unless you can show me a blood trail. It’s not just the mall or the grocery store, even aimlessly walking the aisles at the liquor store gets me down… have you seen the price of cheap beer lately, WTF?

FACT: There is a cure!

When I’m forced to shop I make sure I bring along at least one of my kids* and a Flip camera. There are only two rules when the camera starts capturing the action:


Acting a fool is OK, as long as it doesn’t upset (or injure) other shoppers. Pissing off store employees is frowned upon, unless they shoot several dirty looks your direction without asking you to stop – basically they are asking for more. Window shopping isn’t allowed, if you’re shooting on location you must buy something. Karma.

Example 1: If you can’t hula hoop, you must show the entire store how uncoordinated a human can be with a brief display of your misspelled poetry in motion. If you don’t LOL at my son hula hooping, you should reevaluate life. And please note: you should never buy a hula hoop without properly “kicking the tires” – unbalanced hula hoops are destined for collecting dust in the garage.

Example 2: We spend more money at the grocery store in a month than we do on our mortgage. To me, it’s our playground. If I want to juggle fruit in the meat department, the only thing holding me back is my inability to juggle.

Example 3: If you are forced to shop on Super Bowl Sunday, make sure you have a good time. Challenge yourself to create a commercial, give more purpose to your shopping list than “two huge bags of Eukanuba” could ever provide.

When life hands you lemons, head to the meat department and attempt to do the impossible.

*Don’t have kids? Take your dog** to Petsmart, nothing is funnier than a dog dropping a deuce in the cat department. Cat people*** are easy targets, they favor tiny poops that can be easily covered with dust and rocks. A large breed dog works best for this assignment.

**Don’t have a dog? Pay one of my kids to go to Petsmart with you. Not as serious, but the visual in my mind produced a chuckle.

***I love cat people, just trying to be funny.


If Fringe were on ABC…

…would Apple’s iPad have given us a glimpse into an alternate world?

Background: Wednesday night’s episode of Modern Family (season 1, episode 19, “Game Changer”) was all about the iPad. Not sure why, but it felt sketchy. Not because a naked Steve Jobs could survive an entire Wisconsin winter outside with nothing more than a lighter, a case of Ramen and his Disney (ABC) stock to burn. But because it felt like an infomercial… so why the hell did they keep on interrupting it with commercial breaks?

(Worst. iPad dock. EVER)

I don’t care if this was paid or unpaid product placement. Steve Jobs has more Disney stock than you, or anyone else in the world AND sits on the board of directors of ABC’s parent company. To me, Modern Family just kissed the boss’s ass, and that shouldn’t sit well with anyone.

And as for the Toyota product placement, I cried foul on that shit, too. Everyone knows Phil Dunphy’s wife would drive a Honda Odyssey. If anyone should be driving a Toyota, it would be Gloria (read: would help explain the cupcake on her car in “Moon Landing”).

(Don’t be silly Walter, everyone knows the iPad doesn’t have a camera.)

PLEASE NOTE: I’m a huge Apple fanboy and Modern Family’s number one fan. So let’s don’t go there. The show is the best comedy on TV, in fact, I’m positive the cast could beat the Glee crew in a talent show any day of the week. So don’t leave a “you’re a Modern Family hater” comment unless you have a TV dedicated to the show in your bathroom.

Pictured on the television below is the opening title sequence of Modern Family, rumors of replacing picture frames with iPads are not true… yet.


Hamburger Earrings on Good Friday

My daughter just got her ears pierced 4-6 weeks ago (not sure exactly how long it’s been, I’m a dad, not a record keeper), for the past two days she’s been able to change them out. Today she asked me to help her because my wife is at work. Trust me, I’m not her first choice.

While this video makes it look like everything went well, it didn’t. Shortly after I said “Christians iz crazy” we had a long talk about the religions of the world and why we were having tuna fish sandwiches for lunch. After a few more earring changes, we eventually got back to the ones she woke up wearing.

The good news… she now understands why McDonald’s has the Filet-O-Fish on the menu.


Eb Taylor, thanks for the April Fools’ joke

Got this piece of junk mail from E/MAX on April 1st, thought it was brilliant… if only they were selling something more fun and less expensive.

Unfortunately, if you can’t spell my name, I can’t trust you with handling any of my major financial transactions. As odd as it may sound, I’m a details person.